Hello everyone! Are you ready for Part 2 of relationships? Did you know that you can have a relationship with someone who is no longer a part of your life? Think about it. Do you know of someone who has either passed on, or who you no longer physically or virtually interact with on a daily basis (or ever), but you interact with them in your mind?
If it’s a positive relationship or remembrance, that’s great. But for many of us, there is someone in our past who we feel has done us wrong. We keep rehashing old scenarios with them, and hold on to negative feelings about them, believing they deserve it. We may blame them for how things have turned out in our lives (especially if it’s a parent or ex), because we think they should have done things differently. We withhold any love or kindness in our mind towards them, thinking they don’t deserve it. Can you think of someone where this is true for you?
If you are doing this, first realize that the other person is likely completely unaware of it and never even thinks about you. They’ve moved on with their life and not at all affected by what you are thinking of them. Remember from the last blog that regardless of what expectations we have of people, they get to do whatever they want. Trying to change or control them – or what they did in the past – never works, and certainly trying to change the past or wishing it had been different doesn’t serve you.
You’ve heard me say how precious you mental energy is. When you spend it going over in your mind all the ways this person has messed up and how it’s affecting you, remember it isn’t what that person said or did at some time in the past, it’s how you are thinking about it right now that is causing you pain. What someone said or did in the past has no power over you right now. It’s the thoughts going on in your mind and what you’re making it mean in your mind today that is causing you pain.
I can show you how to stop doing this so you be free form that pain and can spend your mental energy on something more productive. I’ll give you a sneak peek here.
First, think of someone who you are no longer in relationship with physically, but where you’ve maintained a painful relationship with them in your mind.
Second, get a pen and paper (yep this is so much more effective when you get it out on paper vs simply thinking about it). Write their name, and write out everything they did and all of the ways it was wrong. Don’t hold back.
Third, go back and look at the sentences you’ve written. If that person had done everything perfectly according to your definition of it, what would you be thinking and feeling. Write that out.
Fourth, ask yourself, is it possible, just possible, to think and feel that way anyway? I promise you it is and I can show you how.
Finally, in what ways did this person being in your life, have a positive impact on you. I don’t mean that perhaps they once did something nice and to note that, I mean with all their ugliness. Perhaps not directly, but because of what they said or did, you ended up becoming stronger in a certain area of your life.
The reason I want to take a look at past relationships is because they tend to have a ton of influence on our current relationships (including our relationship with ourselves), and we’re so often not even aware of it.
I can hear your objections about how this can work right now. This is some deep work. So go to my site to schedule time to meet with me and up-level your relationships, even your past ones, in a way you never thought possible. And if you’d like to get periodic emails when I post a blog along with special updates from me, sign up below!